Week 14 Picks: Festivus edition
The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with some of you football players. Now you’re going to hear about my fantasy team.
Ravens @ Steelers (-2.5)
I hope you’re happy Najee Harris. As a rookie, you had 307 carries for 1,200 yards and 74 catches for 397 yards. Jonathan Taylor had more carries, but no one had more touches.
I drafted Harris with the eighth pick in the first round. I could’ve had Ja’Marr Chase, Stefon Diggs or Davante Adams, but I couldn’t let a running back with so many touches slip through my fingers.
Fourteen weeks later, Baltimore’s quarterback has more rushing yards than you. Good thing he’s out this week. That would explain why a 5-7 team like yours is favored over an 8-4 team like Jackson’s.
Pittsburgh has won four straight games against the Ravens. That could also be a factor, unlike your running ability, Harris. The Steelers also covered the spread in three of their last four games. Are you going to cover my league fees, Harris? You should.
I’d like to give Lamar Jackson a piece of my mind too. His injury didn’t just hurt the Ravens, it ruined my playoff chances. I thought he was a steal when I got him in the 5th round. But I’ve never smelt a football field, so what do I know?
I know this; Ravens quarterback Tyler Huntley went 16-31 for 141 yards and no touchdowns against the Steelers last year. He’ll need to do much better to get the team’s ninth win.
I think he will. Unlike some players, Huntley has never let me down. Steelers fans, prepare to be disappointed. Baltimore needs this game.
Fantasy abacus says: Huntley runs enough for the Ravens to cover.
Dolphins @ Chargers (+3.5)
Congratulations Keenan Allen. You had six catches for 88 yards and a touchdown against the Raiders last week. It was your best performance of the year.
But where were those points against Kansas City and Jacksonville and Houston and Cleveland and Denver and Seattle and Atlanta and San Francisco? I used a third-round pick on you, 26th overall. How was I to know your first touchdown wouldn’t come until November 27th?
Maybe if you showed up a little more, your team would be better than 2-3 against the spread at home. Maybe if you caught more passes, they wouldn’t be 2-3 in the last five games either.
What are you laughing at Tua Tagovailoa? I have some words for you too. First of all, do you understand how hard it is to write Tagovailoa with auto-correct?
I took you in the 13th round with the 146th pick. You were supposed to be insurance in case Jackson got injured. But I dropped you when you got hurt. What can I say, I needed a kicker.
You’re not my problem anymore, but I imagine your past two games have hurt some fantasy managers. You need to get back to mid-season form. Actually, it might be better if you just handed the ball to the running backs all day.
The Chargers are awful against the run and I have Raheem Mostert on my roster. You owe me Tagovailoa, and your team owes the fans a better performance than you gave against San Francisco.
Fantasy Abacus says: The Dolphins have better luck on the west coast this week
Raiders @ Rams (+6.5)
Josh Jacobs has a lot of nerve. Sure, he leads the league in rushing by 184 yards, but he wasn’t supposed to. He went in the sixth round of my fantasy draft. The guy who took him is now in first place. Coincidence, I think not.
I took Zamir White, the guy about to take Jacob’s job, in the 14th round and gave myself high-fives until the 16th round. Now Jacobs (most likely) will face the Rams JV squad.
Matt Stafford and Cooper Kupp won’t be playing and neither will Aaron Donald this week. The Raiders need to take advantage with Jacobs and Davante Adams.
The Rams beat the Raiders by a combined score of 85-13 in their last two meetings. There are even rumors that Baker Mayfield will play just days after joining the team; now there’s a guy that deserves some grievances.
Las Vegas has won three straight games, including a seven-point victory over the other L.A. team last week. Unlike me, the Raiders will have no problems on Thursday night.
Fantasy abacus says: The Raiders win and cover.
That’s it for Week 14. @fantasybruce needs to get ready for the feats of strength. @fantasywife is stronger than she looks.
