Last time I checked, there are roughly 3,775,241 “Do’s and Don’ts” style fantasy articles online. That’s slightly less than the number of “Don’t Be This Fantasy Owner Guy“ columns, but still well below the amount of “Deep Sleeper” posts you’ll find. I know there’s lots of fantasy stuff out there and it can be redundant. But I promise this list is different. In fact, I guarantee; you won’t find this fantasy advice anywhere else.
Don’t draft a running quarterback
In these uncertain times, don’t you want to know what you’re getting in a quarterback? Say you draft Josh Allen, the consensus QB1. Who is Josh Allen? Is he the guy that ran for 81 yards and two scores on the ground in Week 17 against Atlanta, or the guy that passed for 358 yards and four touchdowns against Washington in Week 3? It boggles the mind.
Maybe you have your eye on Jalen Hurts. Which Jalen Hurts are you getting, last year’s leading rusher for the Philadelphia Eagles (10 rushing TDs, 784 yards) or the team passing leader (16 TDs, 3144 yards)? Remember, your fantasy draft is all about predictions. Who needs the drama?
Let the other fantasy managers treat the QB position like Forrest Gump’s chocolate box and avoid these Jeckyl and Hyde quarterbacks altogether. Go with someone you can count on. Stick with guys like Matt Stafford and Davis Mills. They didn’t have 100 rushing yards between them last year, but one got a championship. Coincidence?
Do draft kickers
Draft them early, draft them often. I finished last in my league of record last year. The guy that won drafted three kickers. I wish I were kidding. When he drafted Younghoe Koo I thought he was just showing off for the waitress, when he drafted Ryan Succop, I wondered what he was on. When he drafted Robbie Gould, I thought I must be on something.
But as well all laughed and focused on our kicker-free rosters, it turns out he was onto something. Who knew the top 40 scorers in NFL history are all kickers? You like scoring points, don’t you? That’s why you’ve always taken skill players. Well, Jerry Rice is the first skill player on the all-time scoring list at 41 but that won’t help you in 2022. Neither can the running backs, wide receivers, or the tight ends you’ve been taking apparently.
Numbers don’t lie. Kickers rule. Let some other sucker take Jonathan Taylor. You take Justin Tucker, then Ryan Succop, and then Rodrigo Blankenship. Maybe take a punter, just in case. You’ll be kicking yourself if you don’t.
Don’t have fun
Who ever said fantasy football should be fun? Call me crazy, but making a series of dubious decisions in front of my peers and eventually giving them my money is hardly a party. Take the money out of it and you’ve described my entire adolescence.
Remember, fantasy football is work, really hard work. It’s the work you probably do instead of the work you probably should do. They say the average fantasy manager spends 30 minutes of the workday working on their rosters. Someone needs to check that math. How is this number not way higher? I guess that’s why they’re “average” fantasy managers.
Collectively, employers claim to lose 9 billion dollars to fantasy football annually, or roughly half of what I’ve lost playing fantasy football.
Do auto-draft
Why do auto-drafters get such a bad name? Will you be using a phone or computer for everything else in your league? Of course you will.
Think about it, you can take a self-driving car to the draft, and pay your league fees with cryptocurrency from your phone, but once the draft starts you need a highlighter and reading glasses?
Face it, after the 3rd round, your roster is really nothing more than hopes and dreams.
Seriously, don’t let a bunch of unenlightened neanderthals write you off with their precious paper lists they printed out five minutes before the draft. They’re all jealous. I’ll bet those guys can’t even turn on a computer. They probably use their programmable thermostats manually. Don’t sink to their level.
You’re on a first-name basis with Alexa, act like it. Log on and get the best available players.
Don’t worry about bye weeks
Don’t think of them as bye weeks. Think of players on a bye as “working remotely”. Apparently, the days of Witten and Romo running to Cabo are long gone.
Today’s players still go to the facility. They train, they watch tape and they get treatment. They’re creatures of habit with a highly successful routine. They just can’t help you when it really matters, like the guy from HR or the girl from IT, or Julio Jones.
Do cut everybody
Well, maybe not everybody, just every player drafted in rounds 4-14. Ok, so maybe you shouldn’t cut every player drafted in rounds 4-14, just the slackers.
Face it, after the 3rd round, your roster is really nothing more than hopes and dreams. If a player doesn’t give you 20 points in the first week, get his lazy butt out of there and replace him with somebody that will.
They say if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig. And if that pig could run routes, it would probably play tight end.
Don’t fall in love with your roster. Flexibility is key to winning your league. So leave yourself some “wiggle room”. There are no empty roster spots, only waiver opportunities. I took fifty-five players off waivers last year, had I made 56 claims I would’ve beaten that “three-kicker guy” easily. Lesson learned.
Don’t do your homework
Did you do your homework in high school? Me neither. But I remember the kids that did and none of them looked like they knew about football. Fantasy football is about guts, not brains.
Not long ago, I did countless hours of research and eventually took Baker Mayfield as my QB1. Luckily for me, my gut kept telling me to roll with my QB2, Lamar Jackson. Some say it was luck, I say it was instinct. Either way, this decision would eventually bring me my first fantasy championship. Take that, nerds!
Ask yourself: do you have lots of experience playing fantasy football? You do. Does knowledge come from experience? It does. And as you’ve gained all this football knowledge, did your brain get any bigger? It didn’t. My brain stayed small too, but you know what did get bigger? My gut. Coincidence? More like evolution.
The more I play fantasy football, the more I use my gut. The more I use my gut, the bigger it gets, like a muscle. These days I make sure my roster stays anatomically correct, and if my waistline is any indication, I should be the Stephen Hawking of fantasy football by the 2024 draft.
Do draft any old tight end
Really, any tight end will do. Tight ends are dysfunctional by design. If Travis Kelce were bigger, he’d be a lineman. If he were faster, he’d play wide receiver. And even with two strikes against him, Kelce will still be gone in round 1. George Kittle and Mark Andrews won’t be far behind. The rest of the tight end group; however, should be way behind.
They say if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig. And if that pig could run routes, it would probably play tight end. Beggars can’t be choosers, but since we all need a tight end, rest easy in the knowledge that 75 percent of the league will do no better than you.
If you’re feeling adventurous, draft a lesser-known receiver and try to pass him off as a tight end. They just relaxed the jersey number rules, maybe your commissioner won’t notice.
I recommend Quintez Cephus, a wide receiver for the Lions. He wears 87, just like Kelce. If anyone gives you a hard time, just act confused. Ask them, repeatedly, to spell Quintez Cephus. They’ll give up. No tight end is worth that much hassle, especially one that’s not really a tight end, but really is a Lion.
Don’t give the winner any credit
Unless, of course, the winner is you, never let the champion believe anything other than luck was involved. This is not poor sportsmanship, it’s not even sour grapes.
When the season is over, all but one of you need to believe that they would be the champion if not for a few bad breaks. This attitude will keep your league mates coming back every year. Once someone thinks that they don’t have the skills to compete, they’ll likely drop out, creating a void that the entire league must scramble to fill. Eventually, you’ll have to lower your standards and invite the most annoying people you know. That’s how I got started.
This is not to say you should ignore your champion. By all means, recognize their accomplishment via text, email, and especially the message board. Just be sure to reference things like blind squirrels, nuts, occasional sunshine, and a dog’s rear end. You should also encourage them to play the lottery. Trust me, they’ll be expecting such treatment. Don’t disappoint them, there’s enough disappointment at the end of a fantasy season already.
Do draft early
There’s so much misinformation out there these days. Most articles I’ve read encourage you to hold your draft as late as possible. Call me crazy, but I’m all about instant gratification. I say the earlier the better.
Got anything going on in March? Next year, why not celebrate “National Pig Day” and draft those that toss the ol’ pigskin on March 1st? If you hold your draft on March 19th, “National Corn Dog Day” the menu takes care of itself. Are you a multitasker? Plan your draft for April 7th and embrace “National Beer Day”, “National Burrito Day” and “National Alcohol Screening Day”. Alright, forget that last one.
But remember, things don’t always go to plan. Bad things happen to good fantasy managers. You do realize all the players you want will be drafted right in front of you, right? So, allow yourself the time to fix your roster through a series of lopsided, nonsensical trade proposals that hurt everyone but you. Remember, the early bird gets the worm. Don’t be a draft slacker, go get a worm and start that worm in the FLEX spot.
