In case you missed it, here’s a list of the summer’s most interesting NFL stories, along with the only logical conclusions one could have from them.
NFL teams adopt alternate helmets for 2022
After almost a decade, NFL teams are allowed to create secondary helmets for the 2022 season. Although this has many fans excited, only half of all teams will take part. The Cowboys, Giants, Falcons, and Patriots will just use some old designs for their new helmets while other teams will add new colors.
Thankfully, the Texans, Bears, and Bengals will mix things up with either red, orange or white for their helmets, but everyone else (Cardinals, Commanders, Eagles, Jets, Panthers) will just use a black helmet. In the physics world, black is described as an absence of color. Here, black feels more like an absence of creativity. Seriously, if you’ve ever had an original thought, please fax your myspace link to an NFL team immediately. They desperately need your input.
Also, you may have noticed Tampa Bay is not on the alternate helmets list. To be fair, they submitted a design to appease their 45-year-old quarterback, but leather helmets just don’t meet today’s safety standards. Sorry Tom, but you can probably get one online. You can get all kinds of junk online.
Kyler Murray has homework
After a long offseason of Twitter beef, the Cardinals decided to give their resident angry bird, Kyler Murray, a new $230M contract. But when news of the deal broke, the dollar amount became an afterthought to an unprecedented “homework clause” that required Murray to ignore the “Call of Duty” and complete four hours of weekly film study. Failure to do so would void millions of dollars in guaranteed money.
Let me just say that as a long-time school teacher, my initial reaction was, “Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!!!”
Murray’s reaction wasn’t much better, scoffing at the idea just days after signing the contract. Many wondered who would leak such information. I’m not sure, but I’ll bet it happened during recess, maybe study hall. Regardless, Cardinals management quickly ate the homework clause and took it out altogether. Personally, I think Murray needs to calm down. Tampa Bay has a clause in Tom Brady’s contract that forbids him from pushing a big metal hoop with a stick on the practice field. You don’t hear him complaining.
Aaron Rodgers gets a tattoo
How does one describe a tattoo as insufferable as the man who wears it? Actually, l was pleasantly surprised to learn it wasn’t some 1997-style barbed wire across his bicep. But I was more surprised the tattoo is not part of a matched set with Pat McAffey (yet).
Let’s start with the “all-seeing eye” near the top of the tattoo, much like the one found on the back of dollar bills. We get it, Aaron, you’re rich. Too bad you didn’t have this ink in last year’s playoffs. Maybe the “eye” would’ve seen a rushing lane wide enough for you, your ego, Jake from State Farm, and the old Jake from State Farm to run through.
The tattoo also has a pair of lions. Once again, Aaron, we get it. With an 18-6 record against Detroit, you own the Lions. And according to your endzone tantrum in Chicago last year, you own the Bears as well with a 23-5 record. So that just leaves your 16-10-1 record against Minnesota to memorialize. Call me crazy, but I’m seeing another tattoo. Maybe on the low back? How about the word “SKOL” in a playful font? Viking horns perhaps? If anybody can pull it off, it’s you, Aaron Rodgers. I can’t wait. Seriously, I won’t be able to R-E-L-A-X until I see it.
Rodgers channels Cage
While other players showed up to camp in giant oversized trucks, Aaron Rodgers decided to overcompensate by arriving at camp in full “Con Air” mode. Not Conair as in hair styling products, he’s obviously given up on such things. We’re talking Nick Cage (aka Cameron Poe) from the 1997 classic “Con Air”.
If you haven’t seen the movie, or if you’ve moved on to better things in the last 25 years, Con Air is the story of an honorable man surrounded by criminals. This has to be the reference, right? No doubt Rodgers looks around the locker room and sees himself as “Poe” and his teammates as criminals, or at least a bunch of guys stealing money. The most famous line from the movie has Cage tell a convict to “Put the bunny in the box!” Don’t ask. Actually, with Davante Adams leaving Aaron faster than a B-list actress, I’d put that bunny out wide and hope it can outrun the unrealistic expectations people have for Green Bay this year.
Honestly, I didn’t get the Poe reference at first. When I saw Rodgers in a tank top, I just figured Pat McAffee was picking out his clothes. Pat, you just signed a deal for $120 million. You stole that money. Buy a shirt with sleeves.
Ironically, Nick Cage will be playing Aaron Rodgers in an upcoming movie called, “The Unbearable Wait for Undervalued Arm Talent.” It’s a beautiful mystery based on the 2005 NFL draft. The entire thing takes place in the green room of the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center and co-stars Zach Pascal. Producers actually wanted Alex Smith before Rodgers, but Smith’s acting career ended quickly as someone told him to “break a leg”.
Zach Wilson makes a friend
So some guy named Dax Milne of the Washington Commanders, Zach Wilson’s college teammate is now dating Wilson’s ex-girlfriend. Awkward. More so, he claims that Wilson once had a sleepover or something with Mrs. Wilson’s best friend, causing a split between Zach and his girlfriend.
Can someone please tell me why this is a big deal? I looked at the numbers. With 7,652 passing yards and 56 touchdowns while at BYU, Wilson’s been hooking up with Cougars since 2018. And Dax, be careful with that “kiss and tell” stuff down in Washington. That’s not really their style, besides, if things get weird those 9 career catches of yours will hold up as good as some Dan Snyder testimony. The only hookups you need to worry about are the ones with Carson Wentz, in the XFL, in 2024.
Dolphins fined for tampering
A day after the Deshaun Watson verdict, the NFL thought it would be a great time to flex on the Miami Dolphins with unprecedented penalties for tampering. The league cited “impermissible communications” between team owner Steve Ross and Tom Brady dating back to 2019 and with former Saints coach Sean Payton earlier this year. Apparently, Ross believed they were “on a break” but nobody is buying it. Not even his friends.
As a result, Miami must forfeit a first-round pick in next year’s draft and a third-round pick in 2024. Ross must also pay the league any money found in between his couch cushions. Seriously, since when are “impermissible communications” such a big deal? How did Jason Garret call plays for 15 years? Does Andy Reid still hold press conferences? Did Tony Romo quit broadcasting? The punishment also includes a banishment clause. Ross cannot go to the stadium or have anything to do with the team until mid-October. You know, like Chargers fans.
That’s it. If you find something I missed or want to argue, my new Twitter is @fantasybruce.