Hello, “Byes”. This week the Titans, Texans, Lions, Raiders, and Matt Rhule enjoy a well-deserved break. But there’s no rest for the fantasy abacus. Let’s see who’s still playing and make some Week 6 NFL game picks.
Week 6 NFL game picks: Sunday 1:00 PM EST
Ravens @ Giants (+5)
Raise your hand if you thought the Giants would have a better record than the Ravens at this point. Put your hand down, liar. Nobody thought that. But a win on Sunday followed by an Eagles loss could put the Giants in a three-way tie atop the NFC East.
The Giants shocked the world (literally) by beating the Packers in London last week. Raise your hands if you expected Gary Brightwell and Daniel Bellinger to score as many touchdowns as Saquon Barkley. Put your hands down. You have honesty issues.
The Ravens had issues with the Bengals last week. They needed a last-second Justin Tucker field goal to win the game. Tucker remains the most consistent player for Baltimore despite having a potential MVP under center.
If Lamar Jackson can’t get his receivers more involved, they could struggle here. Especially if Bateman sits again. New York is 7th overall against the run but Jackson runs are hard to defend.
Fantasy Abacus says: Ravens make Giants fans less happy.
Jaguars @ Colts (-2.5)
If the Colts can’t play better football, their games should be on Myspace. Sure, they just beat the Broncos on Thursday night, but their 2022 performance has been the stuff of nightmares.
The Colts are dead last in points, bottom 10 in yards, and top 3 in washed-up quarterbacks. Matt Ryan leads the league in fumbles (11), sacks (21), and interceptions (7). There’s no word from Indy if Jonathan Taylor will play, but if he does, I have one word for the Colts, “wildcat”.
The word out of Jacksonville is that Travis Etienne will soon be the Jaguars’ lead back. He and James Robinson both had 10 carries last week, but Etienne did better with 71 yards to Robinson’s 27. Etienne also had 43 yards receiving.
The Jags kept the Colts out of the playoffs last year and beat Indy 24-0 in Week 2. They’ve also lost two straight, falling to the lowly Texans last week. They’ll do what it takes to get that taste out of their mouth.
Fantasy Abacus says: DUUUUUVAAAAL.
Patriots @ Browns (-2.5)
Have I mentioned how disturbing that elf is? I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but that thing has to go.
Browns kicker Cade York missed two home field goals last week, one that would have won the game. Has York missed a kick in a road game? Of course not, their fields don’t have a giant demon right behind him scaring him to death. Why not replace it with something less scary like a giant tiger? He went to LSU, he’ll be fine.
The Patriots seem fine with anyone under center. Bailey Zappe’s numbers weren’t great against the Lions, but you can’t ignore a guy who wins 29-0 in his first start. Ignore Damien Harris for now, he’s hurt and will miss a few games. But Rhamondre Stevenson seemed ready last week with 161 yards, as did Jacobi Meyers with 111 yards and a score.
New England’s defense better be ready for Nick Chubb, the league leader in rushing yards and rushing touchdowns. I want to take the Browns, but Deshaun Watson is back in the Cleveland facility. Hide the wife, hide the kids and hide the scented oils. I believe in Karma…and the Patriots.
Fantasy Abacus says: Browns lose their 3rd straight
Bengals @ Saints (+1.5)
Damn you Taysom Hill. You start the year with 15 fantasy points, so I pick you up. You do nothing, so I drop you. Then you go off with 4 touchdowns and 35 fantasy points against Seattle. I try to pick you back up, but my next opponent gets you. I’ll remember this.
Luckily for you, I doubt the Bengals remember the 51-14 beating your Saints gave them back in 2018. It’s also a good thing Alvin Kamara remembered how to play after two lackluster performances. You may need another 191 yards from him this week. Chris Olave is out, Michael Thomas is questionable and Andy Dalton might have to play again.
Joe Mixon could use a Kamara-esque resurgence this week. He hasn’t been bad, but he hasn’t been in the endzone either. His 5.6-yard-per-carry average against the Ravens is encouraging. Ja’Marr Chase could also use a score. Most thought he’d have several against the Ravens’ porous defense. Perhaps he gets right against a Saints team without a true home win (sorry London).
Fantasy Abacus says: Kamara for the cover.
Buccaneers @ Steelers (+8)
Tom Brady had a slow start to the 2022 season, but (whistle sound)
“Negative comment about Brady, 5-word penalty”
… beat the Falcons last week. Tom’s 351 yards were his second most this season (whistle sound)
“Ignoring Brady’s best yardage total, 10-word penalty”
… third in the NFC South at 3-2. Leonard Fournette had 139 total yards and 2 scores against the Falcons and (whistle sound)
“Praise for other player limits praise for Tom Brady, 15-word penalty, and loss of the “shift” key
… a little something about the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Najee Harris sucks. really, no whistle? Kenny Pickett didn’t look great either but the bills are tough (whistle sound)
“Nobody is tougher than Tom Brady, writer has been ejected from the keyboard.”
Fantasy Abacus says: pssst…Steelers come up small for their 5th straight loss.
49ers @ Falcons (+5.5)
Kyle Pitts is due back this week. So is my heartburn. Unlike Arthur Smith, I’ll pass. Atlanta has covered the spread in every game this year. They had a chance against Tampa until Grady Jarrett tried to breathe on Tom Brady. The Falcons have the 10th most points in the league, but they’d still prefer Nick Bosa sit this one out for the Niners.
After a win in Carolina, San Francisco spent the week in West Virginia rather than fly home between road games. No one has allowed fewer yards and points than the Niners so far. Even Atlanta fans would struggle to name a Falcons receiver besides Drake London, but the Niners’ secondary will have no trouble covering them. Technically, Falcons fans probably know Olamide Zaccheaus, but who can pronounce it?
Fantasy Abacus says: A week of male bonding and room service can’t hurt, take the 49ers.
Jets @ Packers (-7)
They say Aaron Rodgers is questionable. You think? Apparently, he has a thumb injury but is in no danger of missing this game. Green Bay was in danger of winning last week’s game, but Rodgers had two late-game deflections; giving New York the win and the U.K. another “Double Doink”. Green Bay needs to get Aaron Jones going. He saw more work against the Giants but he’s been ordinary most of the year.
Usually, the Jets aspire to be “ordinary”, but after a 40-17 win over the Dolphins, they should expect more. Breece Hall had an extraordinary game with 197 total yards. It’s a good thing New York never overhypes their young stars. Breece Hall would be Breece “Hall of Fame”. Somebody check the Post, I said it first.
I’m also saying that Aaron Rodgers won’t tolerate losing to Zach Wilson at Lambeau Field. The Jets will go run heavy but Green Bay will prevail.
Fantasy Abacus Says: The Pack sacks Zach.
Vikings @ Dolphins (+3.5)
Remember when the Dolphins had a ping-pong table in their locker room? They don’t anymore; team captains removed it after the Jets loss. Remember when Tyreek Hill scored touchdowns? He hasn’t had one in three weeks. Remember when Raheem Mostert would get injured all the time? Actually, he’s questionable again, but he just had his first 100 yard game of the season. Remember Skylar Thomson? Skylar Thompson; he’s a quarterback. He played at Kansas State last year. He’ll start against the Vikings.
Remember when everyone was worried about Justin Jefferson? He hasn’t scored since Week 1, but he has over 300 yards receiving in the last two weeks.
Actually, there’s nothing to worry about with Minnesota this week. They’ve won three straight games and four of their last five. The Dolphins have lost two straight and may have already chalked this up as a loss.
Fantasy Abacus says: Vikings kick the Dolphins while they’re down.
Week 6 NFL game picks: Sunday 4:05 PM EST
Panthers @ Rams (-10.5)
When you go 1-4 to start the year, and your record is 11-27, you must be fired. That’s the Rhule. Oh, and your defensive coordinator has to go too. The Panthers have done nothing right so far and now rely on former Arizona Cardinals coach Steve Wilkes to right the ship. With Baker Mayfield injured, he’ll start P.J. Walker at quarterback. Walker looked bad in the preseason, but he’s 2-0 as a Panthers starter.
This must be music to the ears of the L.A. Rams. They’ve lost two straight games and only three teams have scored fewer points. The Panthers’ defense isn’t terrible, but it’s going to take a ridiculous performance by Christian McCaffrey to keep them off the field.
Fantasy Abacus says: The Rams win, but the Panthers cover.
Cardinals @ Seahawks (+2.5)
Kyler Murray came up a little short last week. (Not a height joke). He needs a win this week to avoid an early two-game slide. Both teams will avoid their starting running backs. Seattle lost Rashaad Penny to a broken fibula and Arizona’s James Conner is out with acute Conneritus. Get ready for the Benjamin-Walker show.
Luckily for Eno Benjamin, Seattle gives up the most rushing yards in the league. But Arizona just signed about 30 running backs to their practice squad. Seattle’s Kenneth Walker III scored the I touchdown of his career last week and ran for 88 yards in relief of Penny.
The Cardinals should be relieved to get out of Glendale; they haven’t won at home all year. Seattle beat Arizona 38-30 last year, imagine what they’ll do now with a real quarterback.
Fantasy Abacus says: The 12th man says take Seattle.
Week 6 NFL game picks: Sunday 4:25 PM EST
Bills @ Chiefs (+3)
If not for the Eagles-Cowboy game, this would be the game of the week. The point spread says these teams are dead-even. So does their 4-1 records. The Bills ate the Steelers lunch last week with a 38-3 victory, but Patrick Mahomes is no Kenny Pickett, he has commercials.
The Bills lead the league in yards and trail only the Chiefs in points. Kansas City leads the NFL in touchdowns but Buffalo is top three in all defensive categories. Buffalo’s Sean McDermott spent years working with Andy Reid in Philadelphia. Andy fired him in 2010 despite assurances he’d be retained. I say Coach McDermott gets even and wins in the name of Jimmy Johnson. (the late Eagles coordinator, not the bufoon from Dallas).
Fantasy Abacus says: Bills roll.
Week 6 NFL game picks: Sunday 8:20 PM EST
Cowboys @ Eagles (-5)
What’s the most Philly thing ever? It’s not cheesesteaks or the Liberty Bell. It’s anxiety. I don’t care that Philadelphia is 5-0 for the third time in franchise history. I don’t care if they lead the league in rushing touchdowns. I don’t even care that Jalen Hurts has the second-most touchdowns in the NFL. The Dallas Cowboys win this game 88-24. That’s just how things go around here.
I’m serious. Nothing would be more Philly than to lose an undefeated season and sole possession of the NFC East to a Dallas Cowboys team with a backup quarterback. I’ll take it a step further. I say third-string quarterback Will Grier gets a touchdown and does the Griddy in the endzone.
Call me crazy, but Dallas has won 4 straight and dropped 51 road points on Philly last year. Take my Eagles if you like, but until this one is over, I’ll cover my eyes like the Cowboys cover the spread.
Fantasy Abacus says: The Eagles finally give us something to complain about.
Week 6 NFL game picks: Monday 8:15 PM EST
Broncos@ Chargers (-5)
Despite 199 total yards from Austin Ekeler, 134 yards receiving from Mike Williams, and a season-high 465 yards, the Chargers needed a missed Browns field goal to win their last game.
Things got so bad on a critical fourth-and-one that occasional Chargers receiver Keenan Allen tweeted: WTF are we doing? Actually Keenan, as someone that drafted you in the second round, I have a better question: W(hen)TF are you playing? I don’t want to kick you off my team, but I will.
Brandon McManus can kick. He did so three times last Thursday night; accounting for the Broncos’ only points in an unwatchable 12-9 loss to the Colts. Too bad we can’t return that one to Amazon.
Russell Wilson went 21 for 39 with no scores and two interceptions. Denver lost 2 of their last 3 games against the Bolts but covered in 4 of the previous 5 meetings. Based on what I saw last week, Denver just isn’t ready for primetime. Just like Keenan Allen, they’ll come up lame on Monday night.
Fantasy Abacus says: Go Bolts.
Seriously Brady, if you think the Flacos hit hard, wait until Gisele’s divorce lawyers get their hands on you.
