When you speak at a funeral there are a few pro tips one should use. 

Keep it short. Brevity is key here. The focus is on the deceased. 

Set the tone. Is this a somber event or does it have a celebratory bent?

Most importantly, make everyone feel welcome. This is essential. People are there to pay their respects, and they come from all walks of life.

With this in mind, let me welcome you to the funeral of Matt Ryan as an NFL quarterback.

A first-team all-city quarterback in Philadelphia, he attended Boston College as a redshirt freshman. Taking over the starting role junior year he instantly found success and made first-team all-ACC. This led to him launching the website mattyice.com where fans and media had 24-hour access to all his highlights and trivial facts of his childhood. The website has long been taken down, but who could forget those halcyon days in 2007 when we said hello to Mad Men, goodbye to The Sopranos, and basked in the warm glow of highlights of our favorite BC Eagle? 

He was drafted third overall by the Atlanta Falcons in 2008 and immediately became the fourth-highest-paid quarterback in the league. Yes, it fueled serious discussions that salaries for rookies were too high, but we are here to laud his accomplishments, not belabor the fact he had inflated the market for ascendant play callers following in his footsteps.

Accomplishments though were hard to find during his 14-year career with Atlanta. Sure there were winning seasons, but where did they lead? The losses in the wildcards, only to overcome it one year and lose in the conference championship. That 2011 season was especially disappointing. So much hope with the first seed, only to get waxed by the Packers 48-15. At home. With all your fans gasping as they don your jersey.

We note that none of those highlights made it to mattyice.com, but we here acknowledge that he merely flew too high. Who can but recall the story of Icarus? At a certain point, the sun will burn your wings. 

Now, we must talk about that one day.

It would not be right not to bring it up.

Yes, even today. 

For we must look pain in the eye and acknowledge the sting. A funeral is much more than a gathering of friends, family, and acquaintances to pay their respects. It holds in its potential a cathartic moment. A release of pain the clear recognition of truth. The aim here is not to be cruel, but to be precise. Let us join together in communal catharsis, and let us observe that wintry day with open eyes. 

I speak of course of the Super Bowl. 

That mighty lead.

What was thought to be an unapproachable 25 points slipped through his hands like sand. 

Let us ponder this for a moment. For what experience in our lives would measure? The pinnacle of one’s career, the reason behind the lost summer days, the distant relationships with family and friends, the days coming in early to the office only to clock out late. For that moment in the third quarter, it seemed as though all those sacrifices would not just be rewarded. They’d be redeemed. How else could one fathom that instant in NRG Stadium, even after New England scored to make it a  remote 19-point game, that absolute redemption was at hand? The reason was this. The ring. The confetti. The chance to go down in Dogwood City sports lore. And then, in an instant, it was all gone. It evaporated in the thick Texas air. Lost forever.

(It is here I give a dramatic pause.)

(A dramatic pause in a funeral speech is essential.)

Let us not remember Matt Ryan for the lost Super Bowl, just as we should not remember him for his current string with the Colts. The missed throws. The bevy of sacks. The flailing of arms to a coach whose arms too are flailing. I say we here shall not flail in our remembrance of one Matty Ice, for we will always have those late-Bush years when a boy from the Cradle of Liberty looked in the mirror, swiped eye black under that intense gaze and declared: 

“It’s time for this Eagle to soar.”

Let us bow our heads in silence as we go now to this week’s starts and sits. 

Fantasy football Week 6 start ’em

Quarterbacks to start in Week 6

Geno Smith (SEA) vs. Cardinals

Is Pete Carroll a mastermind?

I ask because, you see, there was always this tension between the defense and the offense during that great run last decade. The Legion of Boom vs. Russell Wilson.

Consider that for all of the accolades thrown at Wilson, the offense’s philosophy centered around running the ball.  They were tops in the league running the ball for that stretch. Consider too that Carroll’s background was his defense. He was mocked for continuously bringing in offensive coordinators who abided by the same laws of offense as he did, and proceeded to pound that rock.

It seemed as though Carroll was going to die with this type of offense. He’d be a living relic of yesteryear, a bygone time when there were no smartphones, no Bitcoin, and you could win college championships by gifting recruits’ parents new homes. But then he seemed to change his mind one day, brought in a Sean McVay disciple, kicked Russell to the curb, and now is demanding that Geno Smith “open it up.” 

Yes, Geno Smith, ladies and gentlemen. 

The same Geno Smith that posted a 12-19 record with the Jets and a fellow teammate punched him so hard in the face he broke his jaw. 

The same Geno Smith who competed with Paxton Lynch for a backup job, and both of them wound up getting cut. 

That Geno Smith.

Get this:

He is your QB5.

He just posted a QB4 performance last week. A QB5 performance the week before that. And a QB7 performance before that one. 

He is posting these numbers because he is heeding Carroll’s desires and “opening it up.” He is letting Geno cook.

Meanwhile, Russell Wilson has wallowed in Denver and the fans have already had it. He dares not leave his gated community. 

So let me ask that question one more time:

Is Pete Carroll a mastermind? 

Aaron Rodgers (GB) vs Jets

This is a gut call. Aaron Rodgers has not been good lately. In the past four games, he’s scored 16 points each, which is fine. It doesn’t wreck your team, but it certainly doesn’t win you a week.

Figures there’d be issues with the offense after losing the best wide receiver in the league. There’s a rotation in targets week-to-week, and the most talented receiver is a rookie. The team is at its best when it can effectively run the ball, and right now they aren’t at full throttle because no one is scared of the pass.

One of those big passing games needs to happen, and Rodgers even alluded to it last week. We thought London was going to be that game, but look for it to arrive one week late. 

Running backs to start in Week 6

Jeff Wilson Jr. (SF) vs Falcons

I thought the Niners O-line would be in disarray after Trent Williams went down with an ankle sprain. I was sure that would be the domino that would topple the entire offense.

Look, I am just a dumb fantasy writer. I am no Kyle Shanahan. No Mensa member can compare to the one Oracle of Santa Clara. He’s found a way to make it work with the line, and the rushing numbers continue to pile up. Wilson put up great stats against the Panthers, and now he gets the Atlanta Falcons. Run, Jeff, Run. 

Breece Hall (NYJ) vs Packers

Wait? Are the Jets…good? I know they went against Miami’s third-string quarterback, but somehow they put up 40 points on a good defense. Now they’re going against a beatable Packers team that bleeds points to the run.

There are points to be had, especially from Breece Hall, who just had 18 carries against Michael Carter’s 10, and is an explosive play waiting to happen. Play him with confidence.

Clyde Edwards-Helaire (KC) vs Bills

The best game of the week featuring the league’s top quarterbacks directing the league’s top offenses.

The Chiefs have leaned into the run game lately, and even if Clyde Edwards-Helaire’s points come from the air I would not be surprised. There should be many points in the game, and the team will use him if they are ahead or behind. 

Wide receivers and tight ends to start in Week 6

Chris Godwin (TB) vs Steelers

Last week we knew that, if Isaiah McKenzie was healthy, you had to play him because the Steelers are vulnerable against the slot.

We then knew that, with McKenzie out, you could roll out rookie Khalil Shakir. Not because he was a proven asset, but because he had a great quarterback who could exploit the match-up.

Well, Shakir, in his first start, went 3-75-1. And that’s a rookie. Now you have Chris Godwin playing the slot against the Steelers D. Yeah, you start Godwin. 

DK Metcalf (SEA) vs Cardinals 

I like this because A) this is a home game and B) Carroll wants Geno to cook. Really, this is fantasy football, so we really don’t care if it’s Geno Smith, just as long as someone cooks. I want games ending with scores like 32-39 and 48-45, which are the final results of the Seahawks’ last two weeks. 

The Seahawks’ offense is in the flames, so play DK now before this bubble pops. 

Taysom Hill (NO) vs Cincinnati

I guess if you put up the numbers he did last week you have to start him as long as he still qualifies as a TE on your platform. We’ll see how long this lasts. Him being classified as a TE that is.

I mean, it’s not like he ever catches the ball. He’s like no TE we’ve ever seen before. He gets goal-line carries and rattles off 60-yard runs. Has there ever been a tight end in history that has rushed for three touchdowns in a game and thrown for another one? While he’s available at this position you have to play him.

If you have him, he’s an immediate positional advantage. Only Mark Andrews and Travis Kelce can put up the numbers Hill did last week.

(Smash cut to all Kyle Pitts owners slamming their phones to the ground.) 

Fantasy football Week 5 sit ’em

Najee Harris (PIT) vs Buccaneers

He went 11 for 20 against the Bills, and there’s a very good chance he does worse against the Bucs. The volume will be there, but you’ll have to pray for a touchdown. He’s also not going to get those chunk plays. Those Taysom Hill-chunk plays. You know, the ones that go for 60 yards.

By your tight end.

Who earlier ran two in on the ground and tossed another. 

And caught not a single pass. 

God, I love fantasy football.

Russell Wilson vs Chargers

Let’s ride! 

Or maybe not. Let’s definitely not.

He’s just bad. It’s hit such futility in Denver that you actually feel sorry for the guy. 

Look, even before he was injured it wasn’t like he was blossoming fantasy points. There are just so many better options on the waiver wire.

Like Geno Smith. I am sure Geno is out there.

If I could only go back eight months and say those words out loud. 

D.J. Moore (CAR) vs Rams

(whispering)

Do you think he misses Sam Darnold right now?

I mean, not miss-miss him. 

Like, kinda-sort-of-maybe miss him in that at least with Sam he knows he getting four touchdowns this year.

Don’t see it happening with Baker-slash-PJ Walker.

I don’t think anyone else does either. 

Kyle Pitts (ATL) vs 49ers

A haiku:

Open your eyes, Arthur Smith

you bleeping moron.

Future coach of Akron Zips